Witze

A football story

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young
Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come
over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20
minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod
and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I
played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we
won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day'.. 'Your father
got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed,
mugged and left in a ditch, and your brother has joined a gang of
looters ....and all the while you were having such a great time playing
bloody football.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved
to Liverpool in the first place".

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O’Malley won the nightly Best Toast contest at the corner pub by offering:
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife”
O’Malley was feted by the crowd and enjoyed many rousing congratulations on his toast.

The next morning O’Malley rolled out of bed and said to the Mrs.
“I won the Best Toast contest last night”
to which she replied
“Ah, and what was that?”
O’Malley smiled and said
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife”.
Mrs. O’Malley beamed with pride and cooked him a fine breakfast.

Later that day Mrs. O’Malley happened to meet one of O’Malley’s pub friends on the common. O’Malley’s buddy chuckled and commented
“Ah, Mal won the Best Toast contest with a fine compliment to you last night”.
Mrs. O’Malley responded
“Ah, I heard he did and I must admit it surprised me some. He’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to drag him by the ears to make him come”.