Gedanken und andere Einbildungen - Lustiges

kurz gelacht

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:20:14 +0100

Eine alte Dame sitzt mit einem Neonazi zusammen im Wartezimmer.
Lange mustert sie ihn von oben bis unten, schaut immer wieder auf die Glatze und anschließend auf die Springerstiefel.
Nach einer Weile spricht sie ihn an: "Ach, Sie Armer! Erst die Chemo und jetzt auch noch orthopädische Schuhe!"

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 07:33:04 +0100

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

a really short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 11:06:40 +0200

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 11:42:10 +0200

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a
yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

Sie vs Er

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 10:16:02 +0200

Ihr Tagebuch:
Am Samstag Abend hat er sich echt komisch verhalten. Wir wollten noch
auf ein Bier ausgehen. Ich war den ganzen Tag mit meinen Freundinnen
beim Einkaufen und kam deswegen zu spät - womöglich war er deswegen
sauer. Irgendwie kamen wir gar nicht miteinander ins Gespräch, so dass
ich vorgeschlagen habe woanders hinzugehen, wo man sich besser
unterhalten kann. Er war zwar einverstanden, aber blieb so schweigsam
und abwesend. Ich fragte, was los ist, aber er meinte nur "nichts". Dann
fragte ich, ob ich ihn vielleicht geärgert habe. Er sagte, daß es nichts
mit mir zu tun hat, und dass ich mir keine Sorgen machen soll. Auf der
Heimfahrt habe ich ihm dann gesagt, daß ich ihn liebe, aber er fuhr
einfach weiter. Ich versteh ihn einfach nicht, warum hat er nicht
einfach gesagt "ich liebe Dich auch". Als wir nach Hause kamen fühlte
ich, dass ich ihn verloren hatte, daß er nichts mehr mit mir zu tun
haben wollte. Er saß nur da und schaute fern, er schien weit
weg und irgendwie abwesend. Schließlich bin ich dann ins Bett
gegangen.
Er kam 10 Minuten später nach und zu meiner Überraschung hat
er auf meine Liebkosungen reagiert und wir haben uns geliebt.
Aber irgenwie hatte ich immer noch das Gefühl, dass er abgelenkt
und mit seinen Gedanken weit weg ist.
Das alles wurde mir zuviel, so daß ich beschlossen habe, offen mit ihm
über die Situation zu reden, aber da war er bereits eingeschlafen.
Ich habe mich in den Schlaf geweint. Ich weiß nicht mehr weiter.
Mein Leben hat keinen Sinn mehr...

Sein Tagebuch:
Heute hat der VfB verloren, aber wir hatten prima Sex.

Spaß zum Wochenende

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 11:19:09 +0200

Die Frau kommt früher als sonst von der Arbeit nach Hause und trifft ihren Mann im Schlafzimmer. Sie stellt sich vor ihn hin und flüstert: "Mach sofort meine Bluse auf und zieh sie aus!"

Erregter sagt sie: "Und nun meine Hose, schnell!"

Dann noch lauter: "Und jetzt meinen BH, los!"

Zuletzt schreit sie zitternd: "Den Slip auch, sofort! Und wenn ich dich noch einmal in meinen Kleidern erwische, lasse ich mich scheiden!"

------------------------------------

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spat into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:14:06 +0200

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

ich wünsche euch ein schönes Wochenende. So wie es aussieht scheint es ja tatsächlich zumindest etwas sommerlich zu werden!

kurz gelacht

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 13:44:31 +0200

Ein Mann geht zum Arzt und erzählt: "Meine Frau hört nicht mehr so gut. Was soll ich machen?". Der Arzt gibt ihm den Tipp, er solle einen Test machen.

Als der Mann nach Hause kommt, sieht er, dass seine Frau gerade kocht. So geht er drei Meter hinter sie und fragt: "Schatz, was kochst du Gutes?" Er bekommt keine Antwort, geht zwei Meter hinter sie und fragt nochmals: "Schatz, was kochst du Gutes?" Wieder bekommt er keine Antwort.

Jetzt stellt er sich direkt hinter sie und fragt nochmals. Da dreht sich seine Frau um und schreit: "Zum dritten Mal: Es gibt Bratkartoffeln!"

der dauert ein bißchen

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 21:19:00 +0200

Jake was dying. His wife Becky was by his bedside.

"Becky", he said in a tired voice, "there's something I must confess."

"Shhh, there's nothing to confess, everything's alright" replied Becky.

"No, I must die in peace ... I shagged your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother"

"I know" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you, you fucking bastard!"

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 15:39:18 +0200

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog. "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin?"

My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the man asks in excitement,"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied,"Join the queue."Everyone is queuing for it.

nochn Spaß

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 07:45:27 +0200

Ein Anruf mitten in der Nacht beim Arzt:
"Herr Doktor, kommen sie schnell, unsere Tochter hat ein Kondom verschluckt!"
Der Arzt beeilt sich, in die Klamotten zu kommen. Gerade als er sein Haus verlassen will, klingelt das Telefon noch mal. Es ist wieder die Frau und sie sagt:
"Herr Doktor, es ist alles in Ordnung, mein Mann hat noch eines gefunden..."

Eine alte 75-jährige Witwe möchte gerne einen neuen Freund und inseriert in der Zeitung: "75-jaehrige Frau sucht Mann von ungefähr gleichem Alter, darf mich nicht schlagen, nicht fremdgehen und muss gut im Bett sein."
Einige Tage später klingelt es an der Haustür. Als die Frau die Haustuer öffnet sieht sie einen grauen alten Mann ohne Arme und Beine in einem Rollstuhl sitzen. Sie schaut ihn sich an und sagt: "Du denkst doch nicht, dass ich überhaupt etwas mit dir anfangen kann, du hast ja noch nicht einmal Arme".
Darauf antwortet der Mann: "Dann kann ich dich auch nicht schlagen!".
"Ja, aber du hast ja auch keine Beine", sagt die alte Frau. Der Mann antwortet: "Dann kann ich auch nicht fremdgehen!".
Die Frau weiß sich hierauf keinen Rat und fragt: "Und? Im Bett? Funktioniert denn da noch alles?????. Darauf antwortet der alte Mann: "Ich habe doch geklingelt, oder!?"

Spaß

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 11:23:38 +0200

In einem Museum in Kairo war "Der Schädel der Kleopatra" ausgestellt.
Daneben sah man einen kleineren Schädel ohne Aufschrift.
Ein Fremder erkundigt sich beim Führer:
"Und wem gehörte dieser hier daneben?"
"Auch Kleopatra, nur stammt er aus der Zeit, als sie noch ein Kind war."

Auf dem Standesamt brauchte eine Witwe Papiere. Ihren Namen hatte sie bereits angegeben.
Der Beamte stellt noch eine Frage: "Wann ist denn ihr Mann gestorben?" - "Vor acht Jahren!" -
Haben sie Kinder?" - "Ja, eines vier Jahre, eines zwei Jahre und das letzte acht Monate!"
Der Beamte erhob etwas erstaunt den Kopf und fragte: "Ihr Mann, sagten sie, ist aber schon acht Jahre tot!?"
Darauf antwortet sie: "Ja, er schon - aber ich nicht!"

Kruses verbringen die Ferien auf dem Bauernhof.
Eines Nachts erwacht Kruse, zieht die Schuhe an und geht raus.
Nach einer Weile kommt er mit nassen Schuhen wieder.
"Regnet es draußen?" fragt seine Frau.
"Nein", meint Kruse, "aber es ist furchtbar windig."

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 07:50:45 +0200

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 50th birthday and she was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised
in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through
the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender
Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in
the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she
felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled
bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a
call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo
sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want
it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -
tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for
an outside line."

a short laugh

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 11:36:58 +0100

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to rip us off. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".

some more jokes

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 10:04:40 +0100

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

-----------------------------

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians... The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, evenmore attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.' The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the
eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb a$$. For the last time

. . .BRING THE POSSEEEE.'
-------------------
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"
The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

-------------------------

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having had a great roll in the sack, she spent the next hour just scratching his manhood-sac-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

a job interview

nospam@example.com (Manuel Stey) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 15:53:55 +0100

Government Job Interview

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?""This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."