Gedanken und andere Einbildungen

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up; takes an almighty swing; .... and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law.
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?", asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

A football story

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young
Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come
over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20
minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod
and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I
played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we
won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day'.. 'Your father
got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed,
mugged and left in a ditch, and your brother has joined a gang of
looters ....and all the while you were having such a great time playing
bloody football.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved
to Liverpool in the first place".

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O’Malley won the nightly Best Toast contest at the corner pub by offering:
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife”
O’Malley was feted by the crowd and enjoyed many rousing congratulations on his toast.

The next morning O’Malley rolled out of bed and said to the Mrs.
“I won the Best Toast contest last night”
to which she replied
“Ah, and what was that?”
O’Malley smiled and said
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife”.
Mrs. O’Malley beamed with pride and cooked him a fine breakfast.

Later that day Mrs. O’Malley happened to meet one of O’Malley’s pub friends on the common. O’Malley’s buddy chuckled and commented
“Ah, Mal won the Best Toast contest with a fine compliment to you last night”.
Mrs. O’Malley responded
“Ah, I heard he did and I must admit it surprised me some. He’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to drag him by the ears to make him come”.

Sagt ein Masochist zum Sadist:

"Bitte tu mir weh"

Sagt der Sadist:

"Nein"

A man had been drinking for several hours in his neighborhood bar when the bartender started to close up. The drunken man got off his stool and fell to the floor. He pulled himself up on the stool, took one step toward the door and fell again. "Oh, hell. I'll crawl then," he said. He crawled to the door, pulled himself up by the doorknob, worked his way outside and fell again when he let go. He decided to crawl around the corner to his home. He pulled himself up to let himself in, managed to close the door, but fell again when he stepped toward the couch. After crawling to the couch he pulled himself up on it and went to sleep. An hour later his wife turned on the lights and woke him up.

"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" she said angrily.

"No, honey. I was out with the guys late and did not want to wake you..."

"Right," she said. "The bar just called to let me know you forgot your wheelchair."

Der Franzi malt in der Schule einen Schmetterling so echt auf die Holzbank, dass der Lehrer versucht diesen vorsichtig wegzunehmen.
Er ist über Franzis Talent sehr erstaunt.
Dann steckt der Franzi eine Zeichnung von einem Blumenstrauß in eine Vase im Klassenzimmer, so echt, dass alle daran riechen. Daraufhin meint der Lehrer, dass er mal mit Franzis Eltern sprechen wolle, wegen der Förderung dieses außergewöhnlichen Talents.
Am Abend klopft der Lehrer bei Franzi daheim an die Haustür. Der Vater von Franzi wütet soeben durchs Haus und öffnet nach geraumer Zeit unwirsch die Tür. "Was gibt's?", fragt er den Anklopfer.
"Guten Abend! Ich bin Franzis Schullehrer und hätte mich mit ihnen gerne mal über Franzis besonderes Zeichentalent ..........".
"Ach was, Scheißtalent", tobt der Vater, "der blede Bua molt a Muschi aufn Herd, und da Großvotta, der alte Trottel, bleibt natürlich mit da Zungan auf da haßn Plottn picken!"
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Ein Neuzugang in der Irrenanstalt, beide Hände verbunden wird gefragt: "Wie kam es denn eigentlich dazu, dass sie Wahnsinnig geworden sind? Erzählen sie doch mal von Anfang an." "Ich lag gerade bei meiner Freundin im Bett, da kam ihr Mann unverhofft nach Hause. Ich bin splitternackt raus auf dem Balkon und habe mich an die Regenrinne gehängt." "Nun das ist vielleicht ein Grund sich zu schämen, aber wahnsinnig wird man sicher nicht davon." "Nein hören sie weiter. Nachdem ich so fünf Minuten hänge, entdeckt der Mann auch schon meine Finger. Er holt einen Hammer und fängt an, wie wild auf meinen Fingernägeln rumzuschlagen." "Oh, jetzt wird mir einiges klar, in dem Moment m& uuml;ssen sie wahnsinnig geworden sein." "Nein hören sie weiter. Nachdem er meine Nägel grün und blau geschlagen hatte, ging er weg und kam mit einer Kneifzange wider, mit der er anfing, einen Fingernagel nach dem anderen auszureißen." "Ah, verstehe, dabei währe ich auch an den Rand des Wahnsinns getreten." "Nein, nein hören sie doch erst einmal weiter. Nachdem er die Fingernägel ausgerissen hatte, verschwand er kurz, um einen Moment später mit einer Drahtbürste wider zu kommen, mit der er dann auf meinen bloßen Fingerkuppen rumgeschrubbt hat." "Und da sind sie wahnsinnig geworden, ja?" "Nein da...." "Ja wann denn dann, zum Kuckuck?" Als ich gemerkt habe das ich bloß einen Meter über dem Boden hing!!!!!"